what to do if someone is giving you the silent treatment

 Written by Writer's Corps fellow member Jenny Koza

We can all concord that at that place are definitely things you shouldn't say to your partner during a heated argument. But take you always given your partner the common cold shoulder instead? Uh-oh. Red flag. The silent handling might seem like a convenient way to opt out of a chat that is bothering y'all but it'south likewise super unhealthy. What well-nigh people don't know, is that the cold shoulder is a subtle grade of manipulation. Sounds extreme but let me explain. The silent treatment (likewise known as withholding) is used to punish and regain control of a person. It may feel skillful to ignore your partner when you feel slighted simply, information technology keeps you from finding real solutions to the problems that are bugging you the most.

I've been on both sides of the silent treatment. I've been the person that uses silence as a weapon and the person being stonewalled with information technology. I had no idea that responding to the silent treatment gives the person doing it a imitation sense of control. That's definitely not OK. Left unchecked, the silent treatment becomes a pattern of behavior and emotional abuse that is used to manipulate over time. Fear not! In that location are a few things you can practise to deal with the silent treatment in a relationship. Let's break it down.

When Silence Rules

If the silent treatment is such an atrocious experience, why do we do it in the first place?

one. Silent Handling = Cocky-Protection

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I can't tell you how many times a day I simply wish people could read my listen so I didn't have to actually express my feelings. Why do I take to use my words when people should just know when they've done something to hurt me?

Only the reality is, as much as I wish information technology were truthful, man beings are not mind readers. Most of the fourth dimension, yous actually have to say the words "Hey, what y'all did injure me," even when y'all would rather keep your rima oris shut and protect yourself from all of the feels. Even when your partner means well, information technology pays off to speak upwardly when they say or do something to upset you. We're homo and sometimes putting our foot in our mouth is function of the deal.

When healthy communication habits aren't modeled past our parents, speaking up tin can feel similar a chore. Nosotros either grow up with parents that yell at the acme of their lunges or parents that decline to address disagreements at all. Neither provides a good foundation for handling conflict in a healthy relationship.The lesser line is the silent treatment is not a healthy coping technique for you or your partner.

ii. It's an Unhealthy Mode to Regain Ability and Control

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A part of what makes vulnerability and then hard, scary, and uncomfortable, at least for me, is my inability to predict and control what is going to happen one time I share my what's bothering me. That usually makes me pretty angry.  I peculiarly struggle with this when:

• A) I know the person didn't injure my feelings on purpose, or…
• B) I'm scared that proverb something and opening upwards about my feelings volition brand that person want to leave or negatively change the relationship.

On elevation of that, I experience out of sorts when I'1000 trying to balance knowing that I am upset and being mad at myself for feeling the way that I practice. It's during these moments that I have like I've lost some of my ability and control over my own feelings. When this happens, I do what feels natural and attempt to take it dorsum: enter the silent treatment.

Other times, my silence is only a way for me to create the infinite I need to process my feelings. But again, the other person is not a listen reader, so neither reason is truly a healthy way to deal with the state of affairs.

How to Deal With The Silent Treatment

So how tin you deal with the silent treatment? The answer is deceivingly simple. Y'all're going to have to use your words(I know, ugh). Whether you are the person receiving or giving the silent treatment, at that place are actions you tin take to start a conversation:

one. Name The Feel

You can avoid the silent treatment by compassionately acknowledging what yous're feeling. Avoid accusations or hostile linguistic communication and try not to overthink it. I know for me, a elementary "I know I've been serenity lately" or "Hey, I noticed you lot're not responding to me" opens the door to healthier communication.

2. Acknowledge The Other Person's Feelings and Share Your Own.

Beingness heard and seen is one of our basic needs as humans. Acknowledging your partner's feelings non only validates their experience, it creates space for a larger conversation. Through larger conversations, you can lay the foundation for trust and signal that y'all're interested in understanding their point of view while beingness honest nigh how the silent treatment makes you feel.

To put this into exercise, you might say:

Bae, I care about you and I really want this human relationship to work, that'southward why it hurts when y'all choose to ignore me instead of telling me what's bothering you lot. When yous ignore me because you're upset, information technology makes me feel like you don't care. I'm ever here to listen but I need yous to tell me what's going on.

3. Advise Next Steps

When I have to bring upwardly whatsoever blazon of trouble or issue in a situation, I effort to always take next steps to bring to the table. This helps me keep the conversation focused and away from getting caught in the blame game.

Communicating after the silent treatment is sensitive ground to cover, so continue it simple and state your boundaries and avoid emotional minefields. Ofttimes, the silent treatment is an indication that one or both people need a little bit of space to sort things out.

Putting this all together could look like this:

"Hey, I noticed yous're non responding to me. I'1000 not sure why, but I'd similar to sympathise. I know when I stop talking to someone it means, I'1000 aroused, or upset, or sad. If you're not ready to talk, or need space- I become it. The silence is hard for me- could yous let me know? Peradventure we can find a time to talk side by side week? But, I can't go along with this relationship if you keep shutting me out."

If you're the person giving the cold shoulder, yous can kickoff a conversation similar this:

"I know I've been tranquility lately- and I know that's not really fair to yous. The truth is I'm hurt and dislocated and trying to sort some things out. I need some infinite. Not sure when I'll be set up to talk, but I'll be in touch on when I am."

Getting over the silent treatment isn't peculiarly piece of cake or pleasant. And yet, it'due south work worth doing. Not simply will it assist you become a better communicator, it also helps you build a relationship based on trust and good for you communication.

Not to Outburst Your Bubble, But…

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Keep in mind that these communication strategies may not work on your partner if they are already enlightened that the silent handling is an unhealthy behavior. We all do unhealthy things sometimes and it doesn't brand you or your partner a monster. If you've had a chat about the silent treatment with your partner and the behavior continues, it may be time to consider leaving the human relationship–considering nosotros all deserve healthy relationships.

Relationships are never like shooting fish in a barrel. But, we've got you lot covered. Learn more tips and advice nearly healthy relationships and take the pledge to #lovebetter .

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Source: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-deal-with-the-silent-treatment/